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Thursday, December 10, 2009

this is when you know you suck.

So I know I just posted something a few hours ago, but it's 1 am and I'm sitting at my computer and I just had an ah-ha moment. I realized that lately... meaning the last 4 months, I have been pulled so thin and wound so tight, that all there is left to do when anything at all goes wrong is snap. And snap I do. And what happens when you live really far away from anyone who knows you even remotely well enough to be completely yourself with? You snap at the only person who does. And poor Craig has been snapped at a lot lately. That really isn't fair is it? I mean, it's not his fault that I forgot to put in my works cited page when I submitted my research paper, or that blackboard won't let you go in and fix it. He is responsible for giving me the idea to email it to my professor, who was fine about it. Of course, I made a big stink about it in his face, even though he took the time to come over and help me stop hyperventilating, when he had a huge amount of studying to get done for his own class tomorrow. That is AFTER he brought home pizza so I wouldn't have to worry about dinner, then did the dishes, bathed the kids, and cleaned the house. Yeah. I suck. Sorry, I know that's crude, but it's true. The truth is, I want to be an amazing wife, and a wonderful mother, and a really good writer (published preferably), and design little delights that people wear around their neck and in their hair, and I want to be a woman of faith. I want it all. And (naive as it may sound) I think it's possible. Not perfection. I don't believe I can be perfect in everything (or anything for that matter) But I believe holding myself to a higher standard produces a better result. And since I am not perfect there is only one solution. Less getting wound-up about things. If things go wrong... so what. The point is not perfection, the point is to try and be more...

ps. I love you Craig...
you believe in me when no one else does.

6 comments:

Tashina said...

And the real truth is... you are a Meaker... we freak sometimes, it's what we do. But there is a lot of good that comes from us, so I like to think our goodness balances-out the freak-out moments. The funny thing is I can deal with the most intense, sometimes disgusting, out there behaviors in my classroom-- stay calm, collected and cool. But then I get home and the toilet seat is up and I freak out! Go figure! I believe in you sis. Oh and I made my first order from sophie's room!

RachelBarker said...

I'm with you! Seriously Trent has never and probably wont ever raise his voice or loose it with me. He's just like his dad. But when it comes to me......YIKES! I freak out when we are going the wrong direction in the car because we are wasting gas. And our gas is paid for by his company.lol.
And with you setting your goals high makes me think I can too! Thanks for some encouragement today! I NEEDED IT!
Love ya!

Maran said...

Oh Cori...I'm pretty sure almost every wife gets frustrated at their husband for things that weren't really his fault. I'm always getting frustrated with Scott if I've had a bad day (which happens often because I'm tired a lot). If he's not around, unfortunately I take it out on Hannah. Hannah asked me the other day why mommy's are mean sometimes. Sad day.

Good luck with all of your goals. I know you can do it!

Forever Young said...

Cori,
Just had a horrible dream that something had happened to you and you were not in the world. Everything felt wrong without you in it, like part of me was dead. I realized, yet again, how much my sisters will always be bound to my soul (i know...sounds dramatic). The truth is the way you are is eactly who I need, Craig needs, Mom needs...etc. Yes, it is true that we all need to be the better versions of ourselves, but don't forget, the entire purpose of coming here on this earth is to learn how to be/do that. It would defeit the purposed to come already perfect:). Despite what you may think about yourself, I already think you are all of those things(wonderful writer, awesome mom...etc).And you gave yourself the best advice...if something goes wrong allow another thing that is not as important as your family to just slide for a while. Things always work out. I love you CORI.

Forever Young said...

PS...So I really want to get the Coal Mine peice, but, would you be able to make it for my hair? Not on a head band but on a pin???(When you have time)

PSS What size do you want the painting to be? I was at the store yesterday and was stuck between two sizes. Let me know:)

Tracy-Girl said...

Realizations like this are probably the main thing that keeps us going, so good for you! I am sure that you have been there for him in his moments, and snapping is completely 100 percent part of life, especially when you have a million things going on!!